TEAM AMERICA VS BUGGER
by CreamCheeseAlchemist
Summary: Chris is confronting feelings for one of his teammates, Times Square is under a terrorist threat, someone turns up not to be as dead as they'd thought, and the Broadway Unified Grand Guerilla Earth Resistance is up to something. And that's just chapter 1.
1. it begins

Team America belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Paramount. As does the puppet versions of celebrities in the film's universe. Any and all real persons I might add in later chapters may not be in the actual movie but in some semblance of it. Savvy?

All I own are four ticket stubs and the soundtrack on my iPod as soon as iTunes gets off its lazy ass and puts it up.

I should hope the $30 or so I've spent so far is enough to show that there's no way I can profit monetarily from this movie.

"TEAM AMERICA VERSUS B.U.G.G.E.R." PART 1

"Report coming in of a terrorist trying to smuggle WMDs into a Times Square movie theater," I.n.t.e.l.l.i.g.e.n.c.e. droned. "You know what to do, team," Spottswoode said.

The supposed terrorist got on the escalator inside the Times Square theater, trying his best to look non-chalant about the contents of his backpack.

Gary was just about to go onstage when his team communicator buzzed. "Gary, we're headed towards the Times Square multiplex. I.n.t.e.l.l.i.g.e.n.c.e. picked up a WMD warning," Lisa called out. "Alright. I'm on it. I'll meet you guys there." Gary ran out, not noticing Martin Sheen lurking behind the door, clearly within earshot. The older actor smiled knowingly, "Silly Team America, completely oblivious to the intricate workings of B.U.G.G.E.R."

"...And so Sarah and I are moving in together next week. I would've never had the nerve to tell her directly if you hadn't spoken up..." Chris just sighed and lit up another cigarette. "Jesus, Chris. You've gone through 3 packs today," Joe said disbelievingly. "8," Chris replied flatly. "Damnit, why don't you just tell Gary how you feel?" "And fuck up his thing with Lisa? No thanks," Chris hissed as he turned back to the window to sulk and light up a new cigarette. Joe just shook his head sadly.

Gary's new undercover assignment was only a few blocks from Times Square, so he got there much faster than the rest of the team. He raced up the escalator, looking for the terrorist in the movie theater. "World Police! Did anyone come in with a backpack?" he panted as he reached the ticket-taker. "Yes. He's in theatre 11 on the next floor," the ticket-taker answered. Gary crept through the darkened theater, Uzi in hand. _So far so good._ No terrorists. Then he heard the backpack's zipper being opened. Gary leapt to the front of the theater, right in front of a teenager opening some sort of canister. Gary's eyes widened as the teenaged boy popped open the canister and liquid flew out. He stumbled away, right into a man in a Team America uniform. "Joe? Chris?" The lights went on, revealing the suspicious canister to be a smuggled soda can... and the man...Gary was shocked. He'd only seen pictures of this man but he recognized him immediately. "How can this be?! You're supposed to be dead!" Just then, the rest of the team raced into the theatre and stopped cold. "Is it really you, Carson?" Lisa held her breath, not daring to hope. "It sure is, team. Remember we never did have a funeral or anything," Spottswoode explained into the team members' earpieces. "Oh, Carson! I've missed you so much!" Lisa leapt in Carson's arms. "I guess this means you still want to marry me, babe?" "Oh, Carson!" Gary just stood there, stunned, alone and drenched in soda. Sarah and Joe looked around, unsure of what to do next as Carson and Lisa kissed passionately. "C'mon, Gary. I think it's about time I bought you that beer I promised," Chris murmured- trying to hid his delight.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Next time: Just what is Martin Sheen and the Broadway Unified Grand Guerilla Earth Resistance up to?


	2. bugger revealed

Team America belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Paramount. As does the puppet versions of celebrities in the film's universe. Any and all real persons in this and later chapters may not be in the actual movie but in some semblance of it. Getto daze? All I own are five ticket stubs and the soundtrack on my iPod now that iTunes got off its lazy ass and finally put it up. I still want "you are worthless, Alec Baldwin" though. I should hope the $40 or so I've spent so far is enough to show that there's no way I can profit monetarily from this movie. A special thanks to PBS' recent Broadway documentary series is also in order. Your influence is strongly felt in this. Titanic, Star Wars, Pearl Harbor, all mentioned musicals and Iron Chef belong to other people as well.

"TEAM AMERICA VERSUS B.U.G.G.E.R." PART 2

Later in his "welcome back party", Carson took Lisa by the hand and led her to the terrace."Carson, what is this about?" Lisa looked at him nervously. "Are you sure you want us to continue, Lisa? I know what you feel for Gary is real. And your choice is your choice. I did tell you to find someone new when I thought I was dying." "That's what I have to tell you, Carson. It wasn't a choice. It wouldn't have happened in the first place if I hadn't thought..." Out of the corner of her eye, Lisa saw Gary standing in the doorway. Gary smiled at the two of them, "Guess you two are too busy to join Chris and me for a beer." Carson nodded, "Thanks for the offer." Gary shrugged and walked off. "Wow. I thought for sure he'd still be sore," Carson murmured. "He might still be. He's such a good actor that you can never be sure," Lisa replied.

What do you do when you're the other guy in Pearl Harbor? Movie love triangles get resolved all-too conveniently. In Titanic, the other guy was an evil shithead asshole. In Star Wars, the other guy turned out to be her brother. And worst of all, the other guy in Pearl Harbor ended up dead for screwing Ben Affleck's girl when he was thought dead. He deserved an award for that, not death and sperm donation. Movie love triangles need better resolutions

Gary had heard enough. Out there was the terrace where he and Lisa had had their first kiss and there she was... with Carson. If not for his acitng, who knows what would have happened. That's why Gary chugged down beer faster than he had after he'd left the team... hell, faster than he had in college. Chris kept coming in and out to check on him, since NYC bars banned smoking and all. "Look, I think I better take you home," he said softly. Gary looked up at Chris and threw up in his face.

Elsewhere, the top-secret B.U.G.G.E.R. organization was having a meeting. "Roll Call!" a shadowy, almost feline figure shouted. "Martin Sheen." "Kaga Takeshi, but you gaijins can call me Takeshi Kaga." "Charlie Sheen," the actor mumbled as he snorted cocaine. "Emilio Estevez." "Britney Spears," the singer called as she carefully read from her palm. "Very good. All are present and accounted for. Now, onto our first order of business..." "Excuse me, but why are we called the _Broadway _Unified Grand Guerilla Earth Resistance? None of us are Broadway actors. Martin and his sons do movies, Britney is _supposed_ to be a singer and I mainly act in imported Broadway shows that come to Tokyo." The shadowy man glared at Kaga and hissed, "I have done Broadway shows myself." "Ha! All you've done are national tours of Cats!" Kaga sneered. The other man stepped out of the shadows, revealing an Uzi. Kaga stepped back, nervously. "Cats played on Broadway for almost twenty years. It premiered in London's West End much like Wicked premiered in San Francisco. Yet most people consider them Broadway musicals. You see, whether you play Jean Valjean in Tokyo or Mister Mistophoses in Detroit you are technically a Broadway actor. Hence we are both Broadway actors and the team's name is fitting... Or rather, _I_ am a Broadway actor. You're just Bantha poodoo." With that, the BUGGER leader fired several rounds in the Japanese actor. Britney studied her nails carefully.

Chris trudged through Gary's apartment, the hung-over actor flung over his shoulder. He set Gary down on a sofa and went in search of the bathroom. When he found it, he pulled Gary back up. "C'mon man, let's get you cleaned up and into bed." Gary stared at him. If he wasn't feeling so hung-over himself, he'd have to say Chris looked like shit. Gary had thrown up on him three or four times on the way over. Yet Chris seemed not to that notice much, aside from getting even more focused on getting him home and cleaned up with each subsequent spew. "The shower's running. Here, I'll help you in." Shakily, Gary asked, "What about you?" "Don't worry about it. I'll deal with it when I get back to my place later," Chris smiled.

Back in B.U.G.G.E.R.'s headquarters, the leader had finished describing his evil plan. Charlie and Emilio were giggling, taking turns poking Kaga's corpse with a stick. "So why don't we just blow their base up? These guys are tough. Took out all of F.A.G." Martin Sheen frowned. "Because I want one of them for my own. He tried to escape me once, but not this time." The leader burst out into insane laughter. The other just stared at him. Then Charlie Sheen poked the cadaver right in the stomach. It exploded, covering Charlie, Emilio, and Britney in bits of flesh and red peppers.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Just who does the B.U.G.G.E.R. man want? You really should be able to guess if you saw the movie and read this carefully. If not, why are you reading this? And what's going to happen with Chris and Gary? Hehe


	3. dawning of a new love?

Team America belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Paramount. As does the puppet versions of celebrities in the film's universe. Any and all real persons in this and later chapters may not be in the actual movie but in some semblance of it. It's simply not RP fic.

All I own are five ticket stubs and the soundtrack on my iPod, which ran me $40 or so. My dad hasn't seen it yet, so I'm bound to go at least once more. At least being the key phrase. hehe

"TEAM AMERICA VERSUS B.U.G.G.E.R." PART 3

Gary woke up, feeling quite refreshed. He squinted his eyes as he took in the rays of the all-too symbolic rising sun. Then, there on the couch, he spotted Chris sprawled out on the couch sleeping in one of his spare shirts. Gary got himself ready for work as quietly as possible. _He stayed here all night._ A small smile crept up Gary's face as he tiptoed out of his apartment.

Gary made his way to the theatre playing "Familiar Songs You May Heard On the Radio Because We Can't Write Our Own", the musical he was going undercover in. At first, his dressing room seemed just as he'd left it. But as he got closer to his mirror, he caught sight of two figures right behind him. And then he felt their hands on his shoulder. "Hello, Mr. Team America." "Emilio Estevez and Charlie Sheen?!" "Yup, that's us. Pop sez he wants you fer a little visit." Gary's eyes widened in fear.

Inside Team America headquarters, Spottswoode sat behind the briefing table. "Transmission from B.U.G.G.E.R. coming in," I.n.t.e.l.l.i.g.e.n.c.e. buzzed.

"Team, I have very bad news. We just received a transmission from B.U.G.G.E.R. I.n.t.e.l.l.i.g.e.n.c.e, replay transmission." Carson, Lisa, Sarah and Joe looked at each other worriedly. On the screen was Martin Sheen. "Greetings Team America. My sons found something you might find interesting." Charlie and Emilio giggled as they pushed a struggling bound and-gagged Gary into the camera's view. "Yes, my boys found your little actor. Better get here soon, I don't know how long I can keep him safe from them," Martin Sheen said in a menacing tone. "See you soon!" "Team, the B.U.G.G.E.R organization set us up. I should have figured the sole survivor of F.A.G. would try and cover his tracks with a Broadway front. The transmission came from Gary's dressing room. Hurry and be prepared for a trap. I'll contact Chris in the meantime." Carson and Lisa rushed into the plane, while Sarah and Joe took the copter. Spottswoode stayed seated behind the desk. "Yes, Baxter, keep it up. You are dedicated!"

Chris stirred as his communicator hummed. "Chris, come in. Chris, come in. B.U.G.G.E.R ambushed Gary and are holding him hostage. Repeat, Gary has been captured by B.U.G.G.E.R..." Chris' eyes shot open. He raced out of Gary's apartment missing the last bit of Spottswoode's communication. "Repeat, this is bound to be a trap. Approach with extreme caution."

Needless to say, Chris made it there first. "World Police!" Chris shouted as he broke open the door to Gary's dressing room. Inside, Gary was strapped to a chair, struggling to tell Chris something. Chris quickly pulled off the tape on his mouth. "You have to leave right now. This B.U.G.G.E.R. organization... it's-"

"Led by none other than me, Christopher." Chris turned around, angrily, immediately recognizing the voice, "What the fuck do you want you sick piece of shit?" "Oh my dear Christopher, it's not what I want. It's all up to you," the B.U.G.G.E.R leader purred. Out of the corner of his eye, Chris saw a woman point a pistol right at Gary's head. "Saw hello to the sole female member of B.U.G.G.E.R, Britney Spears." Chris laughed mockingly, "Does your organization actually have any members who perform on Broadway?" The leader smiled, "Such fire you have. But now is not the time. Come with me now, or we'll blow this little actor's head off." "Chris, run!" Gary yelled as he squinted his eyes in anticipation of the gunshot. Britney Spears and the B.U.G.G.E.R. leader chuckled. Britney twirled her revolver and pointed it back at Gary's head. Chris looked down at his Uzi, "You have to let him go." Gary's eyes widened with horror, "You can't. This guy, he'll... he'll..." Chris looked at Gary, "I know. But I won't let anything happen to you." The B.U.G.G.E.R leader sighed, "Fine. Now put down your weapon." Chris looked over at Gary who was shaking his head insistently. "Chris, you can't do this!" Chris smiled at him confidently and brushed his cheek, "There's nothing else I can do when I'm in danger of losing _you_." Gary stared at him with disbelief and some confusion. _He doesn't love me, does he? _Taking advantage of Gary's bewilderment, Chris moved his finger along the actor's neck, feeling for a pressure point. When he found it, he pressed it and Gary lost consciousness. Gently, he set Gary down on the floor and kicked his Uzi out of reach. "Very good. Now follow me," the B.U.G.G.E.R. leader chirped in an ominous fashion. Chris caught one last glance at Gary just as Britney Spears grabbed his arm roughly, pulling him away.

TO BE CONTINUED...

Evil cliffhanger, isn't it?


	4. Nightmares, guilt, sheen brocest and the...

Team America belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Paramount. As does the puppet versions of celebrities in the film's universe. Any and all real persons in this and later chapters may not be in the actual movie but in some semblance of it. It's simply not a Real Person fic.

Um, someone wrote and owns this play called "Posing Strap Pirates" which I reference towards the end of this fic and in the upcoming chapters. It's basically a cliché B-movie pulp story with gay pirates.

All I own are five ticket stubs and the soundtrack on my iPod, which ran me $40 or so. My dad hasn't seen it yet, so I'm bound to see it again this weekend. But I want to keep seeing it again and again! I love this movie!

"TEAM AMERICA VERSUS B.U.G.G.E.R." PART 4

_The next thing Gary knew, he was falling into the gorilla cage at the zoo. But there were no gorillas, just mangled corpses of his brother Tommy and the victims of the Panama Canal explosion. Their contorted mouths began to chant in unison, "Your acting killed us. Murderer. Actor," over and over again. "But I didn't kill any of you! Gorillas and terrorists did!" Gary insisted. _

"_Actually, you're the finest actor I've ever met... Your acting saved the world." Gary turned to face Chris' warm expression, not noticing how the corpses had vanished or how his teammate appeared out of nowhere. As Gary and Chris walked up to each other, the gorilla cage melted into Gary's dressing room. The memories of B.U.G.G.E.R.'s trap came rushing back like a flood. "And if it weren't for your acting, I wouldn't have this second chance with him," the B.U.G.G.E.R. leader's voice boomed as he pulled Chris into the darkness. "You really proved he was right to trust you, actor, the way you were able to protect him from me," the B.U.G.G.E.R. leader gloated. Gary clenched his fists and began screaming. _

Gary sat up from the cot in a sweat. "We were beginning to think you'd never wake up," Lisa said softly. Gary looked around, taking in that he was on the jet with Lisa and Carson. He sat up immediately, causing him to wince slightly despite the urgency in his tone, "Is Chris with Joe and Sarah?" Lisa and Carson looked at each other uneasily. Carson took a deep breath, "All we found was Chris' Uzi and you out cold." Gary sat back down, his expression one of complete desolation. "Gary, it isn't your fault that B.U.G.G.E.R took Chris," Lisa whispered. Gary glared at her, "NOT MY FAULT? B.U.G.G.E.R. SAW THROUGH MY ACTING AND USED ME AS BAIT TO GET CHRIS! SOME FIGHT I PUT UP. I COULDN'T EVEN FEND OFF EMILIO ESTEVEZ AND CHARLIE SHEEN OR GET CHRIS NOT TO SURRENDER TO THESE SICK ASSHOLES!" Lisa stared at Gary in shock. Carson frowned, "Now, Gary, Lisa is only trying to help. It's not going to help Chris if you keep blaming yourself." Gary sighed, "I know, it's just... the real head of B.U.G.G.E.R., he... hurt Chris real bad. I was the first actor he was able to trust after that and I let him down..."

"Emilio, my tongue can't reach the ice cream on my chin." "Get a napkin, Charlie." "Dunwanna. 'Sides dontcha want some ice cream, Emilio?" "Awright." "Your tongue is so warm bro." Martin Sheen glowered at his sons, "Are you two dipshits auditioning for some gay yaoi porno?" Emilio and Charlie just looked at their dad blankly, utterly oblivious to the homoerotic display they were making of themselves on the B.U.G.G.E.R.'s Dynamic Intelligence Landcruiser Driving Oceancraft. "You're one to talk. You don't even blindly follow President Bush," Britney Spears said self-importantly. "Goddamnit, would you all just shut the fuck up before I tear off her fake tits and shove down all your throats!" Chris yelled. "Oh, Christopher, such fire you have," the B.U.G.G.E.R leader purred as he sat in the seat across from Chris. Chris struggled once more to free his hands tied behind his back, but to no avail. "I'm surprised you haven't spend this whole trip raping me, you sick fuck." The B.U.G.G.E.R leader looked almost hurt as he cupped Chris' chin in his hands, "Don't you see how much we've both changed since that day? You returned to your marital arts training with such a renewed vigor that you nearly gave your sensei a heart attack, ultimately becoming the best martial artist in Detroit and a member of Team America. Don't you see? If it wasn't for me, you would have never had the drive that made you the best in Detroit." Chris jerked his head; pushing off the other man's grip, "Get your hands off me. You're sicker than I thought." "Christopher darling, I-""STOP IT WITH THIS SHIT! I'M SICK OF THIS FUCKING GALLANTRY ACT YOU'VE BEEN PULLING! JUST CUT THE CRAP AND DO WHATEVER SICK SHIT YOU'RE PLANNING, MATELOT!"" "But that is not what I want anymore, Christopher. I will not stop until you return my affections and desire no matter what it takes." "Approaching HQ," Britney Spears called out. "Excellent, everything is going according to plan," Rake Matelot, the leader of B.U.G.G.E.R., grinned sinisterly.

To be continued.

Yay! I finally found a name for the B.U.G.G.E.R. leader! Wooo! Um thanks again to whoever wrote Posing Strap Pirates. You rock!

Next time, Sarah's got some good advice for Gary and we get the first glimpse of Floating Sea Castle Matelot! Will Gary clue into his new love interest and save him from Rake Matelot's clutches? In the next chapter? Um yeah right. I'm going to be top best Team America member!


	5. Pigeon Graveyard and more on Pearl Harbo...

Team America belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Paramount. As does the puppet versions of celebrities in the film's universe. Any and all real persons in this and later chapters may not be in the actual movie but in some semblance of it. It's simply not a Real Person fic. New Pearl Harbor Sucked Snippet here folks!

All I own are six ticket stubs and the soundtrack on my iPod, which ran me $40 or so. 7th time tomorrow baby! Woo!

"TEAM AMERICA VERSUS B.U.G.G.E.R." PART 5

D.I.L.D.O. docked at a dilapidated Atlantic City boardwalk. Chris looked up at a rundown castle-inspired casino hotel with flakes of faded paint and piles of dead pigeons visible in the front windows. "Welcome to my splendid, no, _our _Floating Sea Castle!" Rake Matelot said majestically as he pushed Chris inside. At this point, even Martin Sheen's idiot sons knew they were in a major shithole. But not Matelot. He led Chris and the B.U.G.G.E.R.ers with utmost pride in this shitty, derelict casino that was a pale shadow of its former tacky self. Yes, the fish restaurant with tawdry copies of Renaissance paintings with unicorns was still there and running... What could top a Unicorn Mona Lisa as patrons stepped over dead pigeons to eat in its presence? Britney Spears whined, "Even Kevvy wouldn't come here!" Martin Sheen smiled. Here has his chance. Matelot turned around, glaring at Britney with unadulterated fury, "Are you insulting my floating sea castle?" "As if! It's not floating or at sea; we're on a pier. It's just a cheap, rundown casino with bad restaurants and dead pigeons and old people!" Britney shot back. **Bang**! A bullet hit her from behind. She fell, revealing smug Martin Sheen putting his gun back, "For all your trust in him, your precious Bush didn't save you, did he!" "Way to go, pa!" Emilio and Charlie twittered. Matelot sighed laboriously, "Oh well, good work Martin Sheen. She was getting on my nerves." Chris peeked behind his shoulder as the Sheen boys pushed him on. The elderly couples at the blackjack table were just as oblivious to stepping over Britney's body as they were with the pigeons piled up on the floor. Things couldn't get worse or more disgusting. "Now, Christopher, let's go upstairs and prepare for our nuptials!" Well, maybe it could because it just fucking did.

Gary sat down sluggishly in the Valmorphication surgery chair. "I sense you're sad about something," Sarah said softly as she began preparing his new disguise, "Is it about Lisa and Carson?" Gary sighed, "Sarah, what did you do when you found out about me and Lisa?" Sarah closed her eyes and looked thoughtful, "Well, you saw how angry I was at Lisa when I found out about you two. But things came to a head when we headed to stop the terrorists who blew up the Panama Canal. Joe tried to get me to make up with Lisa and then Chris brought up how Joe felt about me and... I must have known on some level because he was always there for me. When I got drunk one night, he took me home and tucked me in and kept watch all night... And when I was hurt over you and Lisa... I mean, I guess I thought it was a just brotherly thing..." Gary looked down, stunned. Sarah smiled at him as she handed him a mirror, "Sometimes when someone doesn't return your feelings, it's worth giving the person who does a chance." Gary studied his new face, more preoccupied with the implications Sarah's advice than the hasty and dubious disguise. _Chris doesn't like me that way, does he?_ Out of the corner of his eye he saw an all-too-familiar encouraging smile on Sarah's face. Gary turned around in amazement, "Tommy?" Sarah shook her head, swiftly. "Sorry, sometimes ghosts and things jump in because of my psychic powers. You were saying?" Gary just smiled with a renewed sense of relief and purpose, "Thanks for your help."

I need you like Ben Affleck needs acting school.  
He was a terrible love interest

I need you like Cuba Gooding needed Josh Harnett.  
They make a much better couple than that slut and Ben Affleck

And now all I can think about is your smile,  
And that shitty movie too,

Pearl Harbor sucked and I miss you.

To be Continued.

Sneak peek? Ok, how about Charlie and Emilio in matching lederhosen shorts? Yep. LOL


	6. Pirates and Lederhosen

Team America belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Paramount. As does the puppet versions of celebrities in the film's universe. Any and all real persons in this and later chapters may not be in the actual movie but in some semblance of it. It's simply not a Real Person fic. Disney owns some stuff mentioned here, as does another company but why ruin the surprise! Ditto for Oda Eichiro and Toei Animation! All I own are seven ticket stubs just for Team America and the soundtrack on my iPod, which ran me $40 or so. Here's hoping for an 8th time! I'm such a nerd!

"TEAM AMERICA VERSUS B.U.G.G.E.R." PART 6

No one on the set of Pirates of the Caribbean noticed the Team America aircraft land; much less 5 people in Team America uniforms escort another man towards the craft service tables. Gary was well disguised as an extra for the film. He had a straw hat, red vest and rolled-up blue jeans. No copyright infringement there. "Hi. I'm another pirate extra on this movie. Can I visit Johnny Depp and get his autograph?"

Johnny Depp glowered at Gary as the Team America actor walked out of his trailer in his clothes and locked him inside. "I'll get you, even if I have to move back to the States!" Gary barely shrugged.

"After this mission, Sarah, I was thinking... Thanksgiving is coming up and my mom makes the best turkey and I wanted to show you the cornfields anyway," Joe stammered. "Of course, Joe," Sarah smiled as she rested her head on his shoulder. Lisa and Carson were on the phone with some wedding planner or something, perfectly professional behavior in the midst of a mission. Gary sat alone, terribly convincing in his Johnny Depp disguise and surrounded by teammates paired up. His forehead rested against the window, his eyes looking out with worry. _If that sick fuck does anything to you, Chris..._

"Team America will surely try and stop my wedding to my dear, sweet Christopher. Now, I've just received communication from Johnny Depp and he's headed here to join B.U.G.G.E.R. We'll need the manpower since your father killed Britney, no that it was anything less than valiant. Still, we need that extra person," Rake Matelot said as he looked in the mirror, adjusting the tie on his violet tuxedo. Charlie Sheen and Emilio Estevez looked over Matelot's shoulder, showing slight guts against their bright lederhosen shorts. "Um, what if it's a Team America person pretending to be Johnny Depp?" Charlie wondered. "Ha! I can spot them from a mile away!" Matelot boasted. "Hi, is this B.U.G.G.E.R.? I'm Hugh Jackman and I actually played on Broadway and..." Matelot pulled out an Uzi and shot Hugh Jackman, his eyes never leaving the mirror. Emilio and Charlie looked at each other; both knowing that was the real Hugh Jackman's corpse and being too scared to say so.

TO BE CONTINUED, and there'll be a sequel too! Look at my profile for a hint!


	7. Twue Wuv, Happy Endings and Incwedibwes

Team America belongs to Trey Parker, Matt Stone and Paramount. As does the puppet versions of celebrities in the film's universe. Any and all real persons in this and later chapters may not be in the actual movie but in some semblance of it. It's simply not a Real Person fic. Disney/Pixar reference at the end that's gotten 2 ticket purchases from me, possibly more in the future. All I own are seven ticket stubs just for Team America and the soundtrack on my iPod, which ran me $40 or so. 8th time? Hopefully before it hits DVD in March next year but unless it's playing in NYC later this month…

"TEAM AMERICA VERSUS B.U.G.G.E.R." PART 7

"Ah, welcome Mr. Depp. Excuse the mess," Rake Matelot buzzed as a disguised Gary stepped over the bullet-ridden carcass of Hugh Jackman. In the process, blood squirted on the faces of Martin Sheen's two sons. "Gosh, Emilio! Who the fuck can clean my face?" "Well, my tongue can do that, Charlie, but what about mine?" "Oh, sorry," Gary murmured. "Oh, please. Those two sluts quite enjoy any chance they get to act like incestuous harlots," Matelot whispered as he motioned Gary to follow him.

"I do apologize that you had to see such licentious behavior on such a wholesome wedding day," Matelot began. Gary stopped dead in his tracks, "W-wedding?" "Yes, tonight my darling Christopher and I will be man and husband… Are you unwell, Mr. Depp?" Gary quickly shook his head and fumbled about for a recovery, "Oh, I am quite fine. I just never pictured you meeting the right guy and actually settling down." Rake Matelot narrowed his eyes suspiciously, taking in Gary. Luckily, Gary had college training and Broadway experience in acting and was able to convince Matelot he was indeed Johnny Depp. "Well, my Christopher is special…" Inside, Gary was ready to kill this bastard.

"Are you done getting dressed?" Martin Sheen asked lazily. "Um, my zipper is stuck. Yeah. Come and help me," Chris answered. As Martin Sheen headed towards the dressing screen, Chris (still in his Team uniform and not the ugly kitty shirt-pants set) kicked it down and it fell on the last survivor of F.A.G. Chris got out of the room stealthily, his ears listening for any other B.U.G.G.E.R.ers. As soon as he heard footsteps on the other end of the hall, he hid behind a giant porcelain Beckoning Cat.

Rake Matelot knocked on the door, "Christopher darling, I want to introduce my best man to you." No answer. Gary kicked down the door. Martin Sheen was struggling to get out from under the dressing screen. Rake Matelot looked furious. Quickly, Gary clapped his hands; "I got this on my wedding day too. Cold feet- perfectly normal!" Rake Matelot laughed, "That's what I like about you, Johnny. Always looking on the bright side. Anyway, he won't get far. I just paged Emilio and Charlie and with the two of us as well…" "He won't get past the front door!" Gary chirped as he looked over the Beckoning Cat and pointed his head towards the window. Rake and Gary headed downstairs. "Would someone help me?" Martin Sheen called out. He was ignored.

Chris snuck over to the window and looked down. "Come on down, the entrance is set to blow any minute," Carson called out. Chris just flicked a used cigarette down, "I'm not leaving without Gary." Carson, Lisa, Joe and Sarah looked at each other. "How'd he know Gary's inside?" Lisa wondered. "I sense he has feelings for him," Sarah mused. Chris just walked away from the window, scrambling for another cigarette and his lighter. Joe looked at the tumbledown casino, "So we gonna blow the rest of it up now?" "Team, we give Gary and Chris seventy-three seconds," Spottswoode said over the communicator.

Rake and Gary were on the third floor walking down the light pink plaster staircase when the explosives went off, destroying the lederhosen-clad Sheen boys in their moment of carnal pleasure. The two stumbled, and Rake grabbed Gary's arm fiercely. "You're not Johnny Depp, are you? You're that stupid pathetic little Team America actor… or should I say you were," he hissed as he pulled a gun against. "Go ahead. There's more explosives set to go off and I'm just fine knowing Chris is safe from a twisted fuck like you!" Gary shouted, closing his eyes tight. **BANG!**! Rake Matelot's grip on Gary's arm fell limp and the evil shithead collapsed onto the ground, quickly tumbling down the stairs. Chris stood further up the stairs, still clutching Martin Sheen's gun. "He's dead. You hit him square in the temples," Gary said. Chris looked at him uncertainly and began to tremble, "You sure he's gone? I don't want the nightmares to start again!" Slowly, Gary walked up towards Chris, "He's gone. And I'm still here, thanks to you." Chris looked away and murmured, "Just not the way I… I…" Gary smiled and stood right in front of Chris, gently taking the gun out of his shaky hands. "What makes you so sure?" he asked playfully as he pulled Chris in tight and kissed him. Chris just stared at him in amazement. "Now, come on. We have about ten seconds before the place blows," Gary added.

Two weeks later, Lisa and Carson got married. Sarah predicted they'd be happy and have children. Gary was getting refills on his and Chris' drinks when he turned around and caught the bouquet.

Spottswoode sat towards the back, with Baxter yet again below the table showing his dedication, as it were. A man sat down next to Spottswoode. "Ah, Rick. I didn't think you were invited." "I wasn't but you haven't been answering my calls. Read the papers lately?" the man asked. Spottswoode glared at Rick Dicker, "I know the Supers can fight crime in the open again. I don't see why this concerns me or the team." Rick chuckled, "Spottswoode, Spottswoode, Spottswoode… Don't you remember why we started Team America fifteen years ago? There's really no need to continue it now. In fact, the government may shut it down." Spottswoode looked away, "You've said what you wanted to say, now get the fuck away from here." Rick stood up, sighing, "Alright, S. I was just trying to tip you guys off. I mean, there's really no reason for the team anymo-" "Just fuck off, dickhead," Spottswoode growled. "Oh no, not you, Baxter… yes… keep going…"

THE END... of this story. Is it over? Fuck no! Something incredible is on its way… starting in a little town called Broadway!


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